Dear April

I try to be honest with you. I am. That is the very first reason I wish to sit here this morning to write to you, my imagined alter self, a self that is honest, brave, clear, fearless, passionate, lovable, a self that has no reason to cry, something as crystal as that. Now it must seem fake. But yes I still imagine you to be like that at this age. I wish you never age. I wish you point me in a direction so I can march on to get closer to you. As years go by, I will not be ashamed of how much I've aged into a coward but proudly announce that I am getting even closer to this ideal you. Unbroken.

I read that a Japanese feminist refuses to say there's an idealized version of society according to feminism. She said she cannot envision that. I see it might be too demanding and homogenous to say there's one ideal society for all since there are currently all kinds of feminisms, as my advisor argued with her new book. A sword gentles into grassland. Abundant, softer, yet everywhere. There's no longer a feminist idol leading us forward, no revolution, no dreams, the right is handed to every modern woman, every woman with their body to remold, their choices to make. What books are you going to read or burn? What dresses are you going to put on or cut? You are free, you are ALREADY free. Make your own choices. Do not wish for another's voicing for your sake. Stand up, my independent woman. Sorry, I apologize, yes, I was making fun of you for a second. But you cannot deny it is true.

Freedom belongs to the ones who can take the consequences. Apparently, I want it all. Like a kid, I want it all. But I can't. My hands shake as I type these words. I wonder why. Don't be nervous, dear me.

It isn't shameless to want it all. But we all know it's just not gonna happen.

It feels good to be able to talk like this again. Many times I've wanted to say something yet I typed words I don't recognize. Someone has fed me that garbage. It makes me mad and I have to just shut down the whole thing instantly to avoid its further persecution of my mind.

I also hate the phrase How Are You. If a trusted friend asks me this question, I'd want to pour my heart out, and normally it's not something so pleasant to see. The whole me can be unbearable to anyone. Leave. Leave.

You are my most loyal and capable friend, I hold nothing back. I hold nothing back.

That is probably why many times it has been so hard to talk to you. cuz I hold nothing back from you yet so many times I was trying to not be me. This struggle to come back to be me is torture.

Ah. I torture myself so much.

You know I have many things I wish to say to you. So much pain in me. So much pain. Please indulge me in this freedom. Indulge me. I do not wish to pain you. I only feel it too intensely I cannot hold it much longer.

Many things I pursue, but I don't really want them. I only want them because I wish to not be hurt. I pursue them as protection. But it is not easy to get them. They have consumed me. This is the trick. Out of fear I pursue a steady job, a good income, but they plan to consume all of me. This transaction is done at the price of the most precious me. Or tell me you are a shadow, are you?

I'd be willing to be a slave if you are.

Last week my friend told me I should go see him. A friend who studies at the top university in our country. A friend who is a genius in others' eyes. He said I should go see him cuz he sometimes wishes to jump off the bridge.

It was such a lovely bridge in a garden and the pond reflects passer-by's shadows.

I would want to ask what's wrong my friend. But I know. I have known what's wrong since college yet now we are PhDs and we are to take responsibility for our own families. DUCK. We have not learned how to stand up for ourselves. We have not learned how to live. We have not learned to smile as often as we can. Age has come to us. It has declared its righteousness. We must surrender. Let's surrender. Continue to do what we have done. To run as fast as we can for the shackles that protect us. To burn our yearning for freedom and self. Burn it until it no longer hurts. If nothing is left, the ruin leaves a mark and it will no longer pain anyone.

Who said we are going to be better than our parents?

What if we are just going to be the same kind of monsters?

Don't look back. Don't blame where you come from.

Gratitude.

Leave me alone, angel.

Another friend disappeared. A friend I cherished because she never questions my contradictory and vulnerable behaviors even when I cannot even accept myself. A friend who offered me hugs when I cannot hug myself. A human being as precious as that. She disappeared. She said she wished not to be bothered me, one of the few people who still ask her how are you. She cut it off.

I sometimes think she is so much braver than me. She walks out of the family so firmly. She does not become a wage slave. She needs no friends. She lives like an animal in this human world. This is meant to be a compliment.

The only social place I imagined that could be for her is a temple. On her way. On her way. Find her peace. Who knows.

You know, there's no turning back. Most likely. Stepping on a path as rocky as that. A loner. Why would I even think of helping her?

She is a sage. I am not.

Are you aware of how unsociable I am? How much fear I have towards socialization. Finally, I've come to this point I have to become a worker in society. No longer a student. No rights to be a child. The worst of all is that I am going to be a teacher. If you can see the split I feel. Withholding so many fangs of anger and uneasiness, I present myself to students like a feather? If I can see it all as a show and I am a performer. To perform a teacher on the stage. But I view it as education. Isn't education about seeking the truth about being true?

I've hidden myself for a very long time in the shelter of a "student." There's no more time for me to postpone the process of socialization. I probably just feel sad.

Though, please do not worry, cuz I have been a good performer mostly. Only in times like this, I sigh.

My dear April.